A Call For An Uprising?

Yeah, maybe it should be a call for an uprising by everyone offended by ignorance in the modern world and possibly the most absurd supernatural-conspiracy-theory channel on YouTube.

Recently I have been talking with some friends who asked me to compile some of the most insane, counterintuitive, and laughably illogical conspiracy theories circulating in cyberspace today. Perhaps they could be good tools to use in my Conspiracy Films class, they said. So I thought that would be an interesting exercise…

…and I found an extremely prolific conspiracy channel on YouTube that could make for an entire class on its own. 

So check out a channel called “A Call For An Uprising” right here. This is one of a growing genre of conspiracy-theory purveyors dedicated to arguing that every celebrity and almost every prominent person in the world is a Satanist and a member of the Illuminati. And yes, this sort of thing we can call an entire genre of conspiracism, since a there is a depressingly large number of them all functioning on the same narrow set of premises and arguments attempting to “prove” that a global Satanic conspiracy is running the world and about to usher in the end of days and the Antichrist. Scary stuff! I think I will need to work these YouTube channels and websites into my in-progress book about the Apocalypse in popular culture. 

But here is a quick overview of some the oft-repeated arguments “A Call For An Uprising” cranks out in its daily videos (yes, DAILY!! Someone in a basement somewhere is putting these things together seven days a week, with each episode running anywhere from about 10 minutes to almost a half an hour).

Every single celebrity – from actors to singers, models, and even WWE wrestlers – is a member of the Illuminati and made a deal with the devil himself for their fame and fortune. And yes, "A Call For An Uprising" takes “a deal with the devil” quite literally. The origin of that term, you know, is but a metaphor. It refers to compromising one’s principles for some kind of financial or material - most often superficial and short lasting – gain. According to “A Call For An Uprising,” celebrities literally made a pact with an actual supernatural creature for fame and fortune. I would like to see some kind of proof of this pact of course. Like, hmm…I don’t know…maybe a video? Can I see footage of the dark lord of hell rising from a pit or something? Can I see the signing ceremony? A copy of the contract, perhaps? And how are these contracts negotiated? Does the devil have a cadre of lawyers hammering out the deal, or is it just the devil himself? Is the deal brokered by the celebrities’ agents? Their lawyers? So many questions! So few answers!

These Satanic Illuminati celebrities are perhaps the worst conspirators in the history of evil global conspiracies since none of them can help but keep giving the details of their diabolical plans away. According to “A Call For An Uprising,” the signs are everywhere. Movies, music videos, advertisements, TV shows, cartoons, comic books are all – yup, you guessed it, just rife with clues to how the Antichrist will take over the world. So these evil conspirators, apparently, like to operate the same way the Riddler always did in the Batman comics; they must always drop clues to their next big criminal plot. Why they would do this I’m not sure, but “A Call For An Uprising” has a catch phrase it loves repeating over and over again:

“Predictive Programming.” So whoever manages “A Call For An Uprising” just LOVES the phrase “predictive programming.” I guess it sounds very clandestine and mysterious and cool. It’s basically the Riddler principle, that evildoers for some reason don’t plot their evil deeds in secret but first need to trumpet it to the whole world by putting signs and codes and hidden phrases in their movies and music and TV shows and so forth. It makes as much sense as you plotting to rob the local bank but first going about and casing the place in the most obvious way. Imagine being that bank robber and walking into the bank, staring at the security cameras in the most conspicuous way, and perhaps even as you’re wearing a T-shirt with a huge sign on it saying “Bank robbery being planned right now.” Doesn’t make much sense, does it?

“A Call For An Uprising” also seems to have an obsession with witches. Numerous videos are about witchcraft and how TV shows are promoting witchcraft by real life, practicing, spell-casting, supernaturally powered witches. The most demented of these videos claims that Brett Kavanaugh’s problems with sexual assault allegations stemmed from his falling victim to a witch’s curse. The video even offers "proof" of this curse! And what proof, you might ask? Well, the hearings were often attended by the actress Alyssa Milano, who played a witch in the “Charmed” TV show. Clear cut proof, isn’t it?

The channel also seems to have an obsessive hatred of formal schooling. Now the American educational system, from elementary schools all the way to the halls of higher education might have its fair share of problems, but “A Call For An Uprising” claims the real dangers of schools lie in the way they are indoctrinating students in…you guessed it, Satanic Illuminati ideologies. The real reason schools require kids to study geometry, “A Call For An Uprising” argues, is to expose them to Illuminati and Freemasonic symbolism. Calculating the areas or triangles and hexagons, I suppose, is somehow brainwashing kids into becoming followers of demonic secret societies.

Now reading this, one might be tempted to shrug the whole thing off as the rantings of an obviously very sick, very delusional mind, someone still stuck in the 1980s and its oddball Satanic conspiracy theories. That, I think, is very far from the truth. Whoever is running this ridiculous web page, I am certain, functions the same way that Alex Jones does. The person—or people—behind “A Call For An Uprising” probably know how laughably insane every moment of every single one of their videos is. However, they also know that the United States in the early 21^stcentury is full of enough of the disenfranchised, the unsophisticated, the ignorant and those sadly lacking in any kind of critical thinking abilities, people so alienated from a consensus reality, that they will swallow every word of every single video on this channel as some kind of a gospel truth. Just check out the channel and see how it has—as of this writing—353,000 subscribers. Then read the disjointed, paranoid ramblings of those offering feedback. 

Very sad, indeed.